Ashley Madison email leak. What to do about it.

Married couples will be facing considerable stress over the next few weeks in light of the recent Ashley Madison hack.

In case you haven’t heard the news, the website AshleyMadison.com, whose motto is “Life is short, Have an affair” was victim to extortionists. Thirty days ago, the hackers demanded the company pull down their website or risk the release of their users personal details and credit card information to the world. Ashley Madison ignored the extortionist demands. The extortionists released over 30 gigabytes of data — including the CEO’s emails.

 

As the founder of the Infidelity Recovery Institute, my primary concern is the safety and well-being of the families who are court up in this mess. The suspicion or discovery of an affair in a long term relationship should not mean the end of the relationship. It does mean, you will both need to work on the relationship challenges so you can restore the trust and relationship bond. People forget to appreciate their spouse when living together 24/7. Infidelity is a wake up call and should never be ignored.

As we don’t know the motive of the people who started the Ashley Madison hack, and of the websites who claim to have the hacked email lists, I am concerned about the authenticity of these websites.  And if these sites are another scam to collect email addresses from the millions of people who will be checking if their spouse cheated online. This is huge business in itself. Naturally, every suspicious spouse is going to check to see if their partners email address is on the infamous list.

As an infidelity recovery specialist, and author of three books on the psychology of human behavior in relation to infidelity, relationships, catching a cheating spouse, and personality disorders, I will share with you a secret about cheaters. Most cheating spouses have secret email addresses and phone numbers. So unless you know which email address they used to access the Ashley Madison site, you will be wasting your time.

How to access the Ashley Madison Leaked Email Lists

[box type=”warning”] Think about who owns the websites offering the Ashley Madison leaked email lists, BEFORE you enter your email address or that of your spouse. [/box]

The hackers who hit Ashley Madison  have listed the email addresses on this site, which was launched yesterday by Trustify, an Internet investigation service that tailors to romantic suspicions. All you have to do is enter an email, any email, and see if it was hacked. They say, that finding the email on the list means yes, there was an Ashley Madison account tied to it. If you are already a subscriber to “have i been pwned,” a site that alerts people if they have been breached, and you are able to verify the email address you are checking, then that site can also tell you.

NOTE: We tested out these sites using 5 different email addresses. While one email address appeared on the first test site, it did not appear on the “have i been pwned” website. Therefore we found the results inconsistent.

Putting conspiracy theories aside, it will still hurt to find your name or your partner’s name on such a list. Depending on your personality type, your relationships communication style,  and your relationships history, you may react in a negative manner  and do your relationship more harm than good. If you have found your partners name on this list, it is time to talk with your partner about your relationship strengths and weaknesses.

What should I do if my partners name is on the list?

It’s important to note that not everyone on the list is a subscribed member. Unsubscribed members have certainly been on the site and had a look see. But they have never taken it further; they had a salacious look and moved on. If this is the case you still have some relationship issues to work on, but it’s not terminal.

If your partner is a subscribed member you have the right to be upset.  But don’t go calling the divorce lawyer yet! It is possible to recover from this event.

You’ll need to put in the work but here are 7 tips on what to do now.

1. Don’t overreact – Stay calm.
2. Timing – Choose a time and place where you are both unhurried and free from distractions.  Do not confront on the telephone.
3. Listen – It is natural to want to scream and accuse your partner of the worst, however this will only shut your partner down, or worse, tell more lies. If you want the truth, ask a question and allow your partner to answer the question without interruption.
4. Stick to the facts as you know them:
   • What you know.
   • What you saw.
   • The contradictions between what your partner has told you and what you’ve discovered.
5. Strategy – Create a strategy for what you want to next. Each person can contribute at least 3 ideas on how to make the relationship stronger.
6. Action – Choose an idea from Step 4, and implement this idea immediately. This helps in rebuilding trust.
7. Seek Help – Get help from a professional with experience in infidelity.

[box type=”info”] Focus on your relationships purpose remember we all make mistakes, and if you and your partner truly love each other, this too will pass.[/box]

Most people will automatically lie when confronted with cheating allegations. Here is what you can expect by raising your concerns:

1. Denial: Most people deny at first, trying to find out what you know.
2. Admission: Whatever they admit is often just the tip of the iceberg.

If your partner admits, to wrong doing, thank him or her for being honest. Say that you would rather know the truth, even though it is painful. Give both of you a chance to cool down before you ask for additional information.

If your partner does not admit anything but you are still suspicious, then you can continue to observe, investigate, and confront again.

See our content on Affair Suspicions

 

With divorce lawyers rubbing their hands together already, I personally urge couples to see this exposure as an opportunity to review their relationships strengths and challenges. It is difficult for couples to stay monogamous without effort. Monogamy cannot be assumed. If you were to divorce, their is no guarantee of monogamy in the next relationship either.

If your relationship has a strong foundation, and you love and respect each other, then you are in the right relationship. Stay married, and work through this challenge. Divorce is NOT the best option.

Dr. Savannah Ellis   DBA, MA

 

If you have been effected by the Ashley Madison Hack, I would like to hear your story. Or leave your opinion about this story below.