Infidelity has become a norm in our society in that most people don’t see it as a big deal to cheat. On a daily basis, we often get reports of couples who couldn’t take it anymore and had to call off their marriage and relationship because of infidelity.
Let’s assume you love your spouse so much and he means everything to you. You probably trust him with your life then one day you learn that he has another woman in his life, what would be your reaction? Would you be willing to forgive his infidelity or would you declare a war in your home?
It was a Saturday afternoon, two years ago. That day, Lydia, a 33-year-old mother, hears her husband’s phone vibrate on the garden table. The SMS she cannot help reading is unequivocal: “I miss you, my love.” More than anger, I felt a violent pain, as if I had been beaten,” she said..
After crying at night, she decides to fight: “Our youngest child was barely a year old and I believed in my relationship.” Steve, her husband, did not try to deny: “Yes, he had a recent affair with this new colleague, but he said he still loved me. I did not understand: how could he deceive me if he loved me? ”
This is the exact question that was asked by Edwin, 35, when Miriam, his companion for five years, yielded to the advances of a stranger at a party. “She told me it was a mistake and expressed how much she cared about me. I couldn’t listen to her because if she had loved me, she wouldn’t have done what she did.”
The infidelity of most men is caused by their inability to consider their partner as a woman immediately she becomes a mother. Although, they might still love her, but wouldn’t desire her body as much as before. I spoke with a man who was caught cheating on his wife few days after she gave birth. He said he did it because he was sexually starving and couldn’t ask his wife for sex because she was still weak. Besides, all her attention was on catering for the new baby so he decided to go back to his ex for sex. Was that a justifiable reason?
That moment when the sexy man or woman you married has become obese and shapeless, you might start considering outsiders as better options to your spouse. Adultery can also be seen as a subconscious attempt to tell your spouse that you have found love elsewhere and want to take a walk. It may happen that someone goes elsewhere because they no longer reconnect with their spouse.
Two years after her painful discovery, Lydia admits “to understand” the infidelity of Steve. “We had not talked to each other for a few months,” she says. I was anxious about the impending end of my parental leave; he was struggling to find his place as a father. If I had not read the SMS, I’m not sure what we would have become, as we were in denial. ”
There is a first time of pain, where the betrayed person feels hurt. But, in a second time, she can wonder about the reasons which led her spouse to deceive her. And this is where the help of a therapist can be of great support.
For his part, the one who cheated must answer his partner’s questions and reassure her of the love he has. Making excuses for your action can only make your partner angry, so don’t play that card. Accept and apologize.
It is easier for the person deceived, to remain in a role of being a victim and she will have supporters who would say “Your husband made a huge mistake and shouldn’t be forgiven so easily.” The deceived spouse often feels he/she wasn’t good enough. This is often true in most cases as some spouse hardly meet the needs of their partner.
To remain in this self-beating state for long doesn’t solve the issue at hand. What should be done is; after the unfaithful spouse has pleaded for forgiveness, admit your mistakes too then the couple can ensure it doesn’t happen again.
In a case where there was no act of negligence by the faithful spouse, then the unfaithful spouse can be forgiven before deciding on the continuity of the relationship. Staying together is not necessarily synonymous with success, let alone resilience. When treason has become the center of a union, marriage can technically survive so the love between the couple dies gradually because the broken parts have been left unrepaired.