Our “WE” is broken

Your “We” has two “I’s” within it, the foundation of the “We”, so it makes sense to first fix the foundation that supports the relationship.

To help any couple visualize what they need to work on, we draw a nest of triangles. Each triangle within this figure represents one of the barriers that must be overcome to achieve real intimacy.

Attachment, Boundaries, Trust, Safety, Vulnerability, and Intimacy.

This six-sided construct allows an individual to being looking at themselves to become more aware of how they connect, communicate and attach.

You can pick any one of these areas to do a little discovery about who you are and why you are.

We use a sexagon (no pun intended) instead of a ladder because there is no set order that you have to achieve these goals.

The Intimacy Sexagon

Attachment:

Is your attachment style conducive to a solid relationship or is there room for them for improvement?

Boundaries:

Boundaries are the rules by which you engage with other people.

Trust:

Do you trust each other? If you believe people are inherently good, trusting is easier. Many people have trust “issues” where a betrayal in a past relationship pollutes ones’ ability to trust in a new relationship. if you are constantly questioning your partner, your ability to develop a secure connection is impossible? Trust is a deep knowing the other person will abide by your boundaries.

Safety:

Can you be counted on? Can I count on you?

Vulnerability:

Before you can develop trust, one must be vulnerable. When you drop your armor and open yourself to potential ridicule, you are vulnerable. Will your partner shoot or put down their weapon? When you confide in your partner, you trust they will not exploit your perceived weakness. When you open yourself up, you are trusting your partner to do the same. Vulnerability leads to trust and trust creates security. When these three items fall into place, your intimacy has the potential to deepen.

Intimacy:

Intimacy can be expressed emotionally, spiritually and physically. A great way to measure and explore your intimacy is to remember the acronym E.S.P.

Complete intimacy is a combination of these three styles of connection:

– Emotional

– Spiritual

– Physical

Besides having a great easy-to-remember acronym, intimacy is most important in developing a secure and loving connection with your partner. Your understanding of one another becomes intuitive. Early on in your growth cycles, you will have to share openly, ask questions, make mistakes and exercise your trust muscles to develop a secure connection.

Once you develop these muscles to the point where they are a habit, your intimacy naturally deepens. You are two “I’s” that have become a “WE”.

Discovering Your Solution

Emotional intelligence allows you to become aware of who you are and how you impact others. How do you “show up” in a relationship?

To fix the problem within yourself that prevents intimacy, one must become self-aware. Facing your own faults isn’t easy. It requires courage. Courage to be vulnerable, face your imperfections, and have compassion for yourself.

Developing an authentic ability to be self-aware requires you to see yourself the way other people see you. If you’re in a disconnected relationship, repairing it is not a solo job; you cannot do it alone.

You will need unfiltered feedback from others.

This level of healing must be done in a trusted relationship. Moreover, your trusted confidant must also be 100% honest with you. Many couples start with a counselor, coach or therapist to begin this discussion. Ultimately, you’ll want to develop enough trust and non-judgmental communication with your partner for this, as they probably know you the best.

Your ability to be self-aware will take a bit of mediation, awkward questions and non-judgmental discovery. But, when you own up to who you are, you will be able to become a better “I” that can more securely become part of a “We”.

With the proper attitude, patience and commitment to become a better “I”, your “We” will blossom and strengthen.

Let’s get started.

Joe Whitcombe

SOURCE: Reboot Your Relationship: Restore love through real communication in a disconnected world, by Savannah Ellis & Joe Whitcomb

Available HERE and on Amazon

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