One of the worst experiences I have had was dealing with my partner’s infidelity. My marriage to Ken was two years old when he cheated on me with my best friend. Ken was a strict and responsible husband so when his dirty secrets were exposed, I couldn’t believe he could do such. Besides, if it was with some stranger, maybe I wouldn’t have felt so bad. But he did it with my best friend and that was the biggest betrayal ever.
I was able to get through that phase and saved my marriage too. How did I do it? I did it by reading and listening to other people’s stories. People, who faced series of betrayals but forgave, were healed of the pains and got their happiness back. It wasn’t easy at the beginning but with time, everything fixed itself.
Who said you can’t be happy again after an affair? Who said your relationship is irreparable? Everything is possible only if you handle it with the right attitude. Let us see some things you should do in order to move on after being cheated on.
1) Ask questions:
This is usually the first reaction a partner gives when cheated on. The fury of the incident drives you to ask as many questions as possible. Sometimes, your partner may not want to be honest with the answers to your questions because the answers would cause you more pains. How would they expect you to understand their reason for cheating if they don’t open up completely to you?
Ask as many questions that might run through your mind but take them one after the other. Yes! Sometimes the answers to your questions would show your weaknesses and make you a contributing factor to their cheating. Listen calmly and if you have made any mistakes, learn from it. When your partner’s excuses seem foolish to you, try to reason along with him as this would help you to stay calm.
2) Don’t hold back the tears, cry:
When finally faced with the truth of the affair, don’t try to hold back your tears instead you should cry. Yes! Cry as much as you want but don’t cry for too long. Crying has a healing effect on the mind as it helps to reduce emotional stress. Holding back your tears would only increase your chances of having stress related disorders. I believe you don’t want to go through all that.
3) Accept to forgive:
No matter the situation, you would have to forgive a cheating partner. Irrespective of the decision you might take thereafter, you still have to forgive most importantly for yourself. Carrying a catalogue of your partner’s cheating episodes in your brain would cause you more pain and bitterness. So you have to forgive and be free.
Don’t let anyone talk nor force you into forgiving. Do it because it is your choice. To forgive and heal completely actually takes time so give yourself some time. You would certainly get to that point when it wouldn’t hurt anymore.
4) Accept that it is over:
You had wished that it didn’t happen, yes! But it did happen and it is over now so you have to stop living in illusion. Wake up to the reality that it is over now. Yea! There are two ways to it. It is either the relationship you have with your partner is over or the relationship your partner had with the outsider is over.
For the former, accept that your days with him are over. Don’t sit all day hoping he calls you or wishing he comes back. He was the one that cheated and left you for someone else. He’s moved on and happy with his new partner. You shouldn’t be in mess for someone who is gone. Pick up yourself from where you were dumped, dust it and move on.
If your relationship was saved after the affair then you shouldn’t be refreshing the incidents over and over again. Leave it buried in the past.
5) Don’t hate on the third party:
After an infidelity discovery, we usually experience this adrenaline rush that makes us want to go burst off the other woman’s head. You might feel like screaming and calling her bad names. But if I may ask, would that change anything? No! It wouldn’t change the fact that your partner chose her over you. What if you go to fight and she beats you up? Wouldn’t that be another embarrassment?
Meanwhile, if you beat her up, you would be directing your partner’s sympathies to her. Come on dear, ignore the third party. If you must confront him/her do that in a mature way. As for me, I feel it is your partner that owes you all the explanation you might need.
6) Talk to someone:
You shouldn’t bear it all alone. You should talk to someone who is willing to listen to your story. Someone you can pour your heart to. It could be a friend, family member or a therapist. Sharing your story helps to ease off the painful effects of the incident.
7) Repair your relationship:
An affair shouldn’t always lead to the end of a relationship. Sometimes, the partner who cheated might be truly repentant so deserves a second or third chance. Would you prefer to forfeit future happy moments with the love of your life over a cheating mistake? What about your kids? If you chose to separate from your partner it would affect them psychologically.
If your partner is willing to repair the relationship then you shouldn’t hesitate. Most happy marriages you find today had sometime in the past faced cheating issues. Don’t give up during the trying times because the better days could be just a step away.
8) Choose to trust again:
Every relationship needs trust for its sustenance and growth. Usually, after an affair it might be difficult to trust your partner again but you just have to learn to trust again. Trust glues you to your partner and sets you free from unnecessary suspicions. Make that choice to trust again especially when your partner has truly turned a new leaf.